The Night My Anxiety Consumed Me

MLPYou can't make everyone happy.

One of my new year resolutions (and I’m starting now) is to be more open and raw.
I, much like yourself, want to achieve psychological happiness and in doing that I am starting another new year resolution.
I am finally going to the psychiatrist to deal with all the things I have never dealt with.
I want to make sure I’m much more sane before Colette is a toddler and knows what’s going on!
I have anxiety and depression but I’ve been ordered to the psychiatrist for the zillionth time to get diagnosed and treated..
.. and I’m finally doing it.

Kitty Car

My dreams have come true. I have made it to cute central, USA to meet so
many of my long-time internet acquaintances kept and lost through the years.

I was feeling fine all day.. chugging coffee to stay awake, made it through airport security with no nonsense (for the first time!).
Now I’m finally ready, finally here waiting outside with a bunch of excited and adorable girls.

I can hardly breathe.
Wait! I’m missing Colette.
Why did I come here?

I can feel it.. my anxiety taking over.
I need a drink.
I need to just start talking to someone and forget about it.

I do not realize that I have actually forgotten to take my Prozac all day.

I converse with the sweet and talented people I am lucky enough to be graced with (I was with Stephie and was so happy to see the sweetest of the sweet Audrey, Miss Kika, Cicely, a long-time web friend, Twinkiechan, and sweet as ever Maria of Locketship) and my anxiety begins to consume me.

I cannot be side-tracked.

It does not occur to me why this is all happening because sometimes I have panic attacks.

After beginning to get sick and unable to get my shit together I have to excuse myself.
I have to take a cab back to LA.
I can’t stay another minute.

I arrive at a friend’s apartment, I change out of my outfit, I leave.
Kimi is picking me up and she’s here.. somewhere.
I walk outside and she can’t find me. The street is split.

I go back inside to look at the directions and try to explain.
She can’t find me.
Why wont my brain work?
I keep having panic attacks and I finally tell her I’ll just leave and walk
until I see a busy street.
So off I go, suitcase and suitcase-sized purse in tow.

I need to leave the key in case I get lost..
I don’t know this area and there are no street lights.
I drop it in an orange cone as I leave after making sure no one was around.

I walk all over and around, not familiar with the area.
More darkness. More houses.
My phone is dead and I cannot even reach Kimi anymore.

I walk back to the apartment and try to get the key because I’m starting to
get really upset and worried.
I cannot reach it. Under the cone was a metal pipe and the key has fallen down it.
You have got to be kidding me.
I make the worst decisions in this state of mind.

I start crying and getting sick.
Why can’t I keep it together?
How am I going to get ahold of Kimi?

I see a man on the sidewalk.
His eyes are shrouded by a large, black top hat that sits on top of his long, black hair.
“Did you call for a cab?” , I ask pleadingly.
He looks me up and down and tells me that I do not belong here.
With my suitcase and large purse I stick out like a sore thumbnail.
I beg the cab driver to let me ride with them to their destination and then take me to mine.
He says no.
I can see in his eyes that he’s not prepared to deal with a crazy girl and her suitcases.

I stand back, understanding and proceed to go back up the sidewalk.
He tells me to wait.. get in.

On the way to the mad hatter’s destination he tells me all about why I
should go with him to Rainbow Bar & Grill.
How it’s probably the safest place for me with a suitcase because a lady just got shot in front of it recently.
There will probably be lots of lights and news crews there.
I politely decline.
I’m already on the verge of having some kind of breakdown.

On the way to Rainbowland my phone finally turns on.
I have just enough battery to try to make a call.
I get through and Kimi tells me where to meet her.
Home Depot on Sunset Blvd.

Taxi driver takes me through all of the lights again on a trip that I am not mentally present for.
The lights blur beside me and I wonder if this is all going to end.

Finally we arrive at Home Depot and she’s no where to be seen.
There are sketchy characters running around in the sheds on display.
I ask if I can wait here and the cab driver tells me it isn’t safe.
Another panic attack comes on and I start crying.
She’s not here.. my phone is dead.. where is she?

I ask if he can take me to a gas station..
When we arrive I tear apart my suitcase in the back of his car.
Glitter and tulle fly everywhere.
Tarina Tarantino bags of jewels litter the floor.
I don’t even care. I’m not able to remain in tact. I cannot find my phone charger.
Surely I didn’t leave it in her apartment?
Did it fall out of my suitcase?
Polkadot heels fly out the window.

I tear everything I have apart.
I pour my purse out into the seat.
I do not even wince as my dead grandmother’s necklace falls to the ground.

I begin to give up.
I begin to get very overwhelmed and unable to focus.

I start to pack everything up and there, stuck in a mass of stockings, it is.
My phone charger.

I leave everything I have and run inside to ask if I can charge my phone.
After what seems like endless hours of trying to turn it back on with no avail it gets enough power to work.
I call Kimi.
She’s finally found the apartment.

I tell her to come back, to come to the Shell on Sunset Blvd.
She’s on her way.

I pack up my suitcase, pay the man the miniscule fee he asks for and thank him.
We’ve developed a bond by now and he asks me to take his number.
He’ll be around until 2am in case I don’t find my friend.
There are always more amazing people to be found.

I sit my suitcase near the counter, plop on it and wait.
I buy a water.
I suddenly realize I forgot to take my anxiety medication.
So that’s all it was.. it happens to all of us, right?
We can’t be embarrassed or ashamed.
We have to move on.. if anyone doesn’t like you for who you are then they don’t really like you.
If they cannot stand you at your worst then they do not deserve you at your best.

Kimi arrives and we talk about music, raves and cats the whole way home.
She plays electro and we ride into through the lights of LA on a feeling of peace and an unexplainable feeling of belonging.

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