My Cesarian – The Most Intimate Moment of my Life

A cesarian, or c-section, is usually not the first thought people have when they imagine an intimate, romantic birth. I have to admit, it didn’t seem like a possibility to me. In fact, I wasn’t prepared for that. I was insecure. My husband’s previous children were born at home, something I’m unable to consider in my situation. It’s easy for us mothers to feel less than in so many ways.

The three of us in March [by Ashley Louise Photography]

Our pregnancy was riddled with constant appointments, ultrasounds, bedrest and weekly shots he gave me. I was on medications to calm preterm labor. It was very restrictive but worth it to carry to term. We were all in shock that I actually made it to my surgery date!

I arrived at the hospital with my husband at 5:30am and waited anxiously for my paperwork to be prepared. To claim I was worried is an understatement

Shortly after we followed the nurse to the back of the hospital and up the elevator to a triage room for me to be stabbed with an IV 4 times. One of those 4 times medicine was even injected into my arm, not my vein. As my arm bulged in pain I felt my anxiety intensify. Luckily the shift changed and the anesthesiologist was able to get my vein. Whew.

My husband was given what they call a bunny suit to get ready for surgery. I was taken back ahead of him and told to sit on the edge of the bed. I was told to hold the pillow and lean against the nurse while I get my spinal tap. I was full of fear at this point but I tried to relax.

The room was SO BRIGHT and sterile. The lights above looked like huge saucers waiting to take me away. A team of women peered down at me. The anesthesiologist patted me and assured me everything was going great.

The three of us in April [by Ashley Louise Photography]

I lost all feeling in my legs and panicked. I hadn’t felt that before. My first birth was an emergency at 34 weeks after I had already had an epidural so I was drugged and puking the entire time; unable to focus on my body.

My husband was brought into the room as I was feeling small moans and cries floating out of my mouth in a panic. I couldn’t control the shaking. I could feel them washing my body but they assured me I wouldn’t feel pain. I wanted to change my mind. There was not an opportunity for me to experience birth in a different way based on my genetics and my body’s struggle with pregnancy.

My husband held my face close to his, with tears in his eyes. He told me to be there with him, to focus on him. He told me it was ok, that he was with me. I stared into his eyes and I felt like we were one person. I knew we were one person. I melted into him as the moans continued to seep from my lips. Tears involuntarily poured from our eyes as he held me. It seemed to take hours and minutes and yet time wasn’t even real anymore. The only thing that was real was our oneness.

The moment we met.

My doctor said there was one last layer before the baby. I looked at the reflection and cried. I looked back at my husband and felt only his hands. They pulled her out, pulled her out of both of us. Our hearts exploded. We both were uncontrollably crying when we heard her cry, saw her tiny white body. Thats the soul who begged to be born for nearly 6 years. That’s the baby he got a vasectomy reversal for, the baby we planned to the day. The miracle baby that seemed for so many years an impossibility based on endless setbacks with my health.

They handed her to him. I was in shock. The anesthesiologist gave me something in my IV to help calm me. My shaking started to slow. I looked at her tiny face in my husband’s hands. We were all one, all three of us.

In recovery my husband was so grateful I was ok. He was focused on me. I was able to hold my daughter and breastfeed her, something I hadn’t been able to do upon completion of my first birth. I felt whole again.

Our first meeting, recovery, and our first walk~

We had a new understanding, a new experience. He told me we were one, that he felt what I felt. That he was so scared. That he had never experienced anything so intimate, intense, or beautiful in his entire life. I hadn’t either.

A home birth is natural, a vaginal birth is assumed, a cesarian can be the most intimate experience of your life. I know it was for us and I’m incredibly grateful for my body.

My girls, Colette Fawn and Béatrice Fawn.

I’m Dreaming of You

My husband is so cute when he’s sleeping.
He talks in his sleep, you see.
Tonight I asked him why he was moving and he said “I’m just waiting on you to come get me. I miss you.”
In the past (he hates coffee -even the smell- and I love it) he told me he wants to know how much the coffee is so he can buy it for his wife.
I’m always wondering what he’s doing in his sweet, mundane dreams.

Meanwhile, in my dreams, I’m flying, moving to some alternate universe, swimming with my daughter while we have mermaid fins, finding rooms full of fairies and shimmery blue butterflies, and eating desserts because I know I can eat as much as I want and not gain weight.
I have noticed these days in my mundane (and stress) dreams I seem to often be moving.
I’m moving and arranging all of the kids’ bedrooms.
I love arranging a house and also going through the things the past owners left.
In a recent stress dream I was moving and I was rushing through throwing all of these flower decorations away that the owner left.
It was so kitschy cute, every single item was covered in roses and pastels.
However I was so upset that they were not my own things in my home that I decided to just toss them compulsively.
Then I realized that I probably should have notified the owner.
Oops.

Iridescent Shower Curtain from Urban Outfitters

A Story of Divorce, Custody and New Life

I’ve been thinking about things a lot recently with the new year coming up and have decided it’s time to talk. I had hinted and implied before that I would someday tell the story of the hell I went through around 3.5 years ago, why I went away and why I avoided getting personal when I came back. You always love my personal posts, to my surprise, so I figure it’s time.

I’m going to tell this in a sort of way that does not publicly shame anyone (except maybe myself) or create monsters out of humans. First and foremost I am a mother to my dream come true, fairytale daughter and I share her with her father who was my high school sweetheart and who is now my ex-husband and with her stepdad who is the other love of my life. She is truly magical and you can only understand if you’ve met her and spent time with her… everyone she meets feels her light and says so. She is really a beautiful and special girl. An old soul. She is of the utmost importance always.

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Around 5 years ago my first marriage started taking a turn for the worst. I remember watching an episode of Intervention that explained why these adult children’s older parents were so bad for each other, why they shouldn’t be together because they enabled each other and it really startled me. How could they enable each other so much that they could never be out of that rut or get healthy together? How sad would it be to be married to your best friend and you realize you’re bad for each other? And you have children already?

We had our issues as everyone does and we shouldn’t have gotten married at such a young age after only dating each other and never living on our own. It’s all true. I think we were naive as most 20-year-olds are. But I thought I had what everyone wanted. I didn’t have to “date” and I didn’t have to be broken-hearted and go through meaningless relationships. I was always with my best friend and even though we fought and had so many problems we were able to ignore a lot of them and just get through together.

Until around four years ago when we didn’t and couldn’t. I didn’t know why but I was severely depressed and couldn’t find the light. I had this beautiful one-year-old baby I was spending my days with and a nice home and I could not get out of it and I felt like it was all my fault. I would pretend, I would make her fancy toddler meals, have tea parties and art class with her, take her to the park, I would sing with her and cuddle her. I still felt a hurt deep in my heart and I felt alone. I felt my husband didn’t love me or even like me. I felt like he never did and I just always pretended he did. And I was sick. Very sick. We tried a few couple’s counseling sessions, therapy, medicine, we tried it all and we would be ok together for a bit but then we would have an explosive falling out.

We couldn’t do that with a baby. We had our baby, the light of our life and we could not exist like we had for so long anymore. So in desperation I checked myself into a hospital (still feeling like everything was my fault and if I could just be better he would be happy with me and I would feel happy) and when I was released the castle shattered. I guess it was too late. It was horrible for everyone. He left with my baby, I lost my mind. I couldn’t get her because it was illegal for me to go to the home he stayed in when the owner did not want me there and the police said it had to be done through court. I had only been apart from her overnight once before this. It all seemed insane and I was so lost. I went to find a custody lawyer and all the depressed moments in therapy and hopelessness in my years of words were recorded in black and white. All of my medicines, any drug I ever used. I was always honest about my inner most flaws in therapy. I was depressed. I thought it was all me. I thought I would never be right again. I lost everything I’d ever loved and fell into a rabbit hole of despair.

Next came a three year divorce and custody battle. Feet were dragged, dates were moved, forms were lost. I was so ready to be done with this and it seemed every step we made we took fifteen steps back. Something else would come up or happen. Another delay. And another. Once the judge decided to leave town so all dates were moved. I’m not kidding, the court system is this flawed. Meanwhile I don’t see my daughter but every other weekend and the hope is getting smaller and smaller that it would change. I was such a trusting person that I never gathered any evidence to prove my innocence or the guilt of another. The only way I can explain it is I believed everything he had ever said and I knew he would never lie to me. I had years of therapy evidence against me about my own hopelessness and despair. The photos I took when I lost my mind after they left, the words I wrote when I felt violated. My tweets, status updates, videos. It’s so easy to blab things online that are inappropriate and think it will never haunt you, DON’T do it. It will never go away and it will always haunt you if ever your integrity is up for question. My phone was stolen and my private conversations with my best friend were used. I had years of evidence of using bandaids to cover the deepest wounds and those two months of nothingness enticed me to fall apart in the public eye. I had nothing to prove what was happening behind closed doors for all those years and so I could only take the weight all onto myself. I had no family. I had no strength, no self-love or confidence. It had been destroyed over a long period of time.

In the following years I got completely sober of alcohol, smoking and depression/anxiety medication. In those three court-riddled years I built a relationship with a man who had always been a trustworthy friend and someone I looked up to. In this relationship horrible pains were also experienced. I’m not sure anyone knows what it’s like to be in a relationship with a married woman who is grieving the loss of her family and a marriage to someone else. I’m sure it’s tough and I’m sure it almost magnifies the atmosphere for attacks from fears, lies and the darkness. We faced obstacles through this choice we made to be together during the divorce and other obstacles for simply living (such as when he got a concussion and severe amnesia you can read about here, my 17-year-old soul mate Hobbes passing, my emergency surgery, etc).

As I got stronger and had more bonding time with my child I found I had an opportunity to build something I had always dreamed of, something better and more beautiful than I knew I could have before. My partner had three young children who took to Colette instantly. They were all like long lost siblings within a year. Colette was a baby and because they loved me and always wanted a complete family and a little sister they felt the universe had also answered their prayers. We became the family we never had. I hear it takes around 3-5 years to fully blend a family. With young children I believe it can be much easier, especially when you have those children every other week together. We made sure we were blended before we talked of marriage.. and that the hurts of the past were healed.. and on October 25, 2015 we got married. My maid of honor was Mary (11, my new daughter), my flower girl was Colette (5, my biological, magical daughter), my best man was William (9, my new son) and my ring bearer was Samson (6, my other new son). Suddenly the right things looked like a puzzle that snapped together perfectly.

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How could we have been so blind all those years? I don’t know. I just think my ex and I deep down knew we were bad for each other but we wanted to stay together because we had only dated each other and the history was enormous. In doing that we only hurt ourselves and each other in different ways. We had planned our whole lives, had a beautiful child, had so many opportunities. We were best friends and we had a lot of good times through those years. His mom was like my mom; I really grew up with him. We just were toxic together. We were changing a lot and having growing pains and wanting different things. I see that now so obviously.. apart we do the things we need to do, we do the right things, we put ourselves last. Together we couldn’t do the right things, we couldn’t find the right path, we could only find paths to destruction and hurt in our own unique ways and our daughter didn’t deserve that. She deserved us to be happy apart rather than sick together.

Today we are, she has two families that love her more than anything in the world who would do anything for her. I don’t know a lot about his life these days but I know Colette loves her mother and father and feels loved by us. I still sometimes feel like I failed by not doing things differently, by not waiting to get married, not waiting to have a child.. however then the child wouldn’t have been her and that would have been it’s own tragedy. I wish things could have been easier for her sake because I know divorce is very hard on children even when they don’t remember it.. but I’m so grateful our mistakes could be turned into beautiful stories after all. My bond with her is so strong and special to me. We have a special connection that no one can touch whether she’s with me or with her dad, she’s the unbroken version of me as a child. I’m so grateful for her health and for this fact most of all.

So there you go. Although I was a little evasive.. you know more about what was going on and why you saw me 1. do a 180 with my health, appearance and heart; and 2. disappear for so long.

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Thanks for listening.. I adore you.

My Soul Mate Asked Me to Marry Him

This past weekend on June 13, 2015 (Saturday) the man of my dreams, my soul mate, someone I’ve been through hell and heaven with, and every fantasy I’ve ever had, asked me to marry him. To spend my life with him. To give him the opportunity to love and heal and grow with me forever. I can’t imagine a better gift from God and the universe than he. My Colette and my fiance, I feel so blessed. I’ve been floating on a sort of love I can’t come down from. I feel like my love meter has been raised and I can’t get enough. He’s the only person I’ve known (besides my daughter) that I can’t be angry at for longer than a few seconds. It’s just not worth it to be separate!

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First we packed a picnic and he took me kayaking — we have a two-person kayak and I love going because we always find animals swimming around (otters and beavers!) and we dock and explore the forest a bit (I’ve always adored the forest). We live right near Fall Creek which is lovely, it goes through the woods and you never know what you’ll find. We went further back to drop our boat in than we had before and it started RAINING HARD as soon as we got in the water. Luckily it was right beside a bridge so we rowed under it and maybe 5 minutes later the sun came out so off we went. I’m sure there were rainbows but I could only see the trees canopying over the creek. David said we had reservations that night so we needed to get home to get dressed up. Eeek! It was taking longer than expected to get near home. We had to call an uber car to give us a ride to our van so we could pick up the boat and everything happened so smoothly I was just in a daze.

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We both got ready, took a quick rest and then David drove us downtown where we arrived at a lovely horse drawn carriage. I always wanted to ride one of those around the city. The horse was so cute! We got to pet her and she had painted, pastel, sparkly feet for the Pride Parade that day and had big flowers in her hair. Inside the carriage was a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates from this tasty chocolate cafe on the circle. The horse took us on a tour around the city, even cute vintage-looking parts I hadn’t seen before. I loved it. It was so wonderful and I’ll never forget it.

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Then we went to sit beside the fountain and share chocolates after the carriage ride was over. David was asking me about my plans for the next 5 years and things that were important for me to accomplish.. I was really loving our date night and feeling so close. He said he had something in his briefcase and he kneeled down on the steps and I just started crying. He told me everything I’ve ever dreamed someone would say to me since I was a young girl watching cheesy 90s teen romance movies hoping things like that really happened. He promised to always love me and always work towards being a better man and doing any healing and work for us to be a better us. He told me so many things I never thought anyone could even verbalize that were just music to my heart. He asked if I would marry him and I said yes while the tears rolled down my cheeks. He then handed me a letter he wrote to me conveying everything he just said in a personal format I could keep. I’ve never felt so loved and cherished in my entire life.

I have known since we met 9 years ago he was very special and I loved being around him. We both felt a connection and knew we should stay in touch even through we were both in different stages in life. Since we started dating 3 years ago I knew he was the one, getting to know him more deeply has felt like remembering someone my heart already knew. I just didn’t imagine everything would happen as it did over all those years but we got through hell together and have arrived at this wonderful place where we can just enjoy life and love. I’m so grateful. I feel so honored that this is the man for me.

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After this he said we STILL weren’t done with our date night so we went on a little evening walk and arrived to Indy’s little treasure St. Elmo Steakhouse (world’s best shrimp cocktail) to have an amazingly rich dinner and more flowers waiting for me there. He said he planned to propose there but thought it would be more special at a public place we can visit and associate that special moment with it. All of the waiters knew of course so they all stopped by to congratulate us. He said he tried to incorporate most of the parts of our lives into this day and hoped it was special.. meanwhile.. I’m still just in shock.

st elmo steakhouse

We walked home hand in hand under the street lights and on sidewalks aglow with rainbow glitter from the pride parade just that morning while every passerby donning rainbow beads (I wanted some!) yelled, “Congratulations” as though they knew what cloud I was floating on. I was carrying so many flowers I’m sure I looked as though I’d won an award or been the lead on a broadway musical. I still float on that pink cloud throughout the days and even when I’m stressed or sad I think of this special day and know that I did succeed in finding my soul mate, completing our family and being filled with joy we’re devoted to spending the rest of our lives together.

We Love Fine’s Bee & Puppycat Contest: Le Puppycat Macaron

Remember when I entered my minimal Bee & Puppycat tshirt design in We Love Fine’s contest? I posted about it on my blog and on our Facebook fanpage a few times and thanks to YOU (everyone who voted) I won! So now they’re selling the Le Puppycat Macaron shirt and I’m so excited~ It’s been a (long) while since I’ve felt compelled to enter in any digital design contests and so happy you enjoyed the tee!

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Wee! I feel so honored! And thankful! And this is of course how I looked when I won. Keep in mind this is after a long day of working from home while 4 kids are on summer break, taking them to the zoo after work and then walking over to the baseball park to eat with David’s coworkers and play in the sunshine. I’m surprised I’m even still awake but it was the first moment I had to myself all day! And how exciting to hear my design won a place in the contest full of amazing designs by other fans! I fell asleep before this was taken. Yes before.

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Buy the tshirt HERE!

How Soon is Now? Surprise! Surgery.

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So a thing happened. Many things happened. Most of all I survived them. Even the one that was out of my hands. The universe must have some more plans for me, what can I say.

Upon doing yoga with a friend (Emma) I must have twisted a unknowingly deformed small intestine in my inner scar tissue from my cesarian. I didn’t feel it. We went to work and eat from the comfort of my dining room. I ate a delicious burger that Mister Educated made for me. Then.. pain. Immense pain. Is this food poisoning? It doesn’t feel that way. I’ll lay down and take a nap. No, no I won’t. I begin breaking out in sweats and chills, losing consciousness. Is this for real? I have a high pain tolerance but this is insanity. Emma? She takes me to the dr. My blood pressure is so low they think the machine is broken. Emma rushes me to the ER. They think I’m lying. I must be some sort of person wanting pain medicine because there is no visible injury. No, please no. No pain medicine. I won’t take it. Just right the wrong in my body.

The nurses, they tell me to put on a mask. They assume I just have a stomach bug. Ebola perhaps. But no. No this is not a virus. This is my body shutting down.

This is probably appendicitis. Your gallbladder is probably acting up. You must have food poisoning. This will clear up tonight. Tomorrow you’ll be fine. Really? Thank you! This will all go away! But it feels so much worse already? *violent retching*

The next morning. The surgeon. This could clear up on it’s own. The tests seem like it’s hopeful. Or we can take a look surgically. WHAT? It hurts.. but I want to go with Mister.. What do you think? It’s up to me? I feel like something could be very wrong. I think you should take a look. I will then.

Stomach sick, in a daze, can’t stop vomiting on the operating table. Everyone is telling me it’s going to be ok. My husband is here and I will see him soon. It will all be ok. Everything is probably just fine. It will just be a small incision for our camera. Breathe in the anesthesia. Relax. Go to sleep…

Yes, we removed a foot of her small intestine. It had died. It was caught in scar tissue. She had a cyst. If we had’t operated she’d have died. She’s very lucky. Yes, here’s your husband. He’s here.

Tears of joy. Then. The pain. A new pain. Three stab wounds? A large cut along my midsection? Staples? It’s ok, you have a man that loves you. No one will even notice in a few years. You would have died if you’d have waited. You were very sick.

I know. I know I should trust my intuition more strongly. Thank you for saving my life, dr. Thank you for being the one surgeon who believed me.

Life is limited, treat it with love.

Getting Lost and Being Found

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I’ve cleaning and organizing our studio because that’s often what I end up doing in times when I’m stuck at home (such as the ridiculous amount of time we’ve been snowed in lately). Our house and all of her cupboards, closets and drawers have slowly been organized and sorted since I’ve moved in but never so much as lately. I can’t get enough of discarding the old, jaded and faded and replenishing with all things good and sometimes new. In this spare time I’ve also found extra moments to spend sorting through packages, boxes and files filled with photos, letters, nostalgia and clippings. Things I had forgotten about and things I had chocked up as gone — casualties in the divorce, move and hard reset of my life.

Wendy & I at Midland Antiques

Wendy & I at Midland Antiques

I’ve realized that in finding these fossils of my past life I’ve also found a part of myself that was neglected to the inner and outer war that has been going on since around age 15. Losing yourself teaches you a lot about the hardships and the long journey you have ahead of you to try to find yourself again. It teaches you about the you you always hoped and planned to be, the yous that you left behind and want to find, the yous that you’d prefer to grow apart from for the extent of your waking hours.

In realizing these things exist you find you have changed, your life has changed and quite possibly you have found the person you know you will be. I believe this happens to each of us a bit with every new year, we reflect. However, in my experience, unless a grand change is made resolutions will be forgotten and old habits will resurface.

I lost myself once and I am still looking for myself. Who I wanted to be as a young girl, the things I wanted to do and see, the life I wanted to live. I’d gotten so closed in, I magnified certain aspects of my goals and forgot about others. For instance, I wanted to get married and have a daughter but I forgot I had wanted the most grand love there ever was. I forgot that I didn’t want to just be content, that I wanted to experience pure love for a beautiful man, to experience a love like we hear about in fairytales only more real and passionate. Someone I didn’t want to change but someone whose love changed my life. I didn’t just want to have a child but I wanted to bring a child into a love-filled family of magical wonder, a magnificent home life and many adventures lined neatly with security and stability. With parents who love one another more than anything else, with siblings that give, teach, take and give some more.

by David Cunningham

by David Cunningham

I saw that I wanted to write. I found many old memoir notes and pages of manga dialogue, articles, fairytales and more. I lost the motivation in trying to do anything other than to fix things that were far too broken and then zoning out completely when they appeared impossibly broken.

I saw that my art was a major focus in my life, other than true love and family, and designing everything I do. I saw my plans for paintings, illustrations and web sketches; designs that never made it off the paper and into illustrator because I lost the ambition and self-esteem needed to go.

Now that I am finding myself in so many ways, I figured there were others that have lost important pieces along their journeys as well. Others that might need a little push to gather those pieces strewn along the ground and trudge on through their own adventure of finding their true, superior self. The self they are, were and wanted to be. What have you lost and found along the way?

Happy New Year.

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Creations, Cares & Shop Wares

Usagi by Amber Renee

So I’ve been sketching so much more since I began living with the man of my dreams and realizing life can be comforting in transition, fear, sadness, happiness, ecstasy, extreme business, security, and overwhelming tasks lists. Sometimes those sketches are finally turned into illustrations by yours truly and other times they are filed, colored by the kiddies or lost and tossed. This one made it through to the other side. I was feeling very dark when I sketched this but also very excited about the future, thus she is split into two. Even more curious I died my hair half and half following this drawing. The dark vs cute seems to be a constant theme in my brain.

I’ve also updated my SHOP a bit and fallen in love with some old and new friends also using storenvy.

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I’ve also got my digital life getting back on track with the welcome of a new computer to the office, my new lovely laptop (little MacBook Pro) which was a gift from Mistereducated. It is so happy to both work with me and snuggle in my still-in-the-plastic Lamb case that was gifted to me years ago. Such a princess of a laptop. She runs runs runs and keeps my eyes happy with a screen that is so decadent and color rich like a Japanese candy store. AH! I was so behind.

Also many more blog goodies are coming along.. I was forced by slight-OCD to organize my Gmail via Imap in Mac’s Mail app (if you need any help with this I have ultimate tips as I ripped quite a few hairs out in frustration). I had (no joke) a bit over 100,000 mails that needed to be organized into folders so I could have an empty inbox and get on track. I was living like a computer file hoarder. Mister even got me an external hard drive because like a hoarder I put off organizing my files and deleting un-needed files for so long and now every file I’ve ever cherished (except for that time in the 90s when my old PC crashed and lost all my files) is organized and neat on the hard drive. Such a relief! Everything is smooth sailing on candy seas. So alas, I have not forgotten about or misplaced your emails! After my crazy roller coaster ride and life restart I am still getting important items in order but I am now pretty much on top of a cotton candy cloud ready to welcome you for chats, cats and tea. I never forgot about you, I was only lost in the forest for awhile.

Also — I got a pink 3ds for a bit of fun in the meantime and mainly for Animal Crossing because it has always been my favorite game next to Maniac Mansion. If you’d like to be friends just leave your friend code. Mine is: 0662 4261 5265

See you in digital wonderland! XX

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Crafting a Better Life of Love This Holidaisy

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I’ve been feeling a need to write. It’s been awhile that I have felt compelled to write a personal entry but I miss doing such so here I find myself plucking at the keyboard. I don’t often write personal entries these days because of what I’m still going through and an attempt to keep it under wraps mostly until it is long over. I’m still in the midst of a divorce and custody battle and I feel it’s best to keep it to myself and my family in order to protect myself, my ex and most importantly my daughter. It has been very draining to say the least, to start my life again from scratch after I had given most of myself to another for so many years. However even in the midst of this I have found love, happiness and the beginning of a family I always wanted that came easily and without negativity. Our home is filled with love and once everything is over I can fully start a new and devote myself to my new family, the family I had always wanted for myself and Colette.

So anyway, I am living many of the dreams I never really thought I would acquire. I am a housewife of a beautiful man who is a genius realism artist and gorgeous home in the city where I have everything I need to cook decadent meals and delicious desserts for family and friends. I get to spend my days working on beauty and fashion graphic design from my home office while chatting with my boss who becomes a closer friend everyday. I keep only true friends around and the rare free time I have for having fun I get to spend with amazing and creative women (such as Jamie Sucre) chatting and enjoying the finer things in life like sparkling cider, fairy lights and skittle-flavored shisha. I spend my evenings relaxing by the fire and crocheting with my mister by my side, taking a motorcycle ride through the city for a tasty dinner or playing games with our total of 4 children which include tons of laughter and imagination. I’m so inspired by this life filled with love and whimsical creativity and color that I cannot stop creating and planning for new projects for our family and for our work. I get to do many things it seemed I had no time or energy for in the past because I was so down about things I felt I couldn’t change.

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For instance this year I crafted my daughter’s costume because I couldn’t find a Chibi Moon costume small enough for her size and we dressed up together and Sailor Moon and Chibi for trick-or-treating! It was her first time to actually go and it was a blast. We traveled through the colorful leaf covered sidewalks to houses with lights and faux spider webs to fill our bags with candy. It was like a dream. Then Colette and I hung our tree very early this year, Nov 1, and decorated it with candy sweet adornments. I hung my stocking, sewed a French-y damask one for mister to complement my Versailles style stocking and promptly bought gorgeous, fluffy fabrics for the children’s stockings and embroidered characters on the front. Theirs are still pinned and waiting to be completed but they are oh so excited!

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Winter is my favorite time for yarn crafts as well, don’t you feel the same? I’ve currently got a crochet project going on for Jamie and a knitting project using a magic yarn ball someone made me last year. I was so excited about this yarn ball I saved it until I got settled in my new home so I could look forward to knitting my mother a scarf this winter. It’s not my style of colors and happens to be her favorites: muted forest greens and soft blues and purples all woven together in wool. I’m so taken by this yarn ball surprise I’m crafting one for a penpal friend online and we’re swapping soon so I will be sure to do a feature on that for you to participate in the fun! I feel there was a period in my past I was almost so excited because I spent most of my time crafting things for friends and family while my baby cooed in the background. It’s so fun now that she’s 3 and can actually help me or give me advice on things she likes most. She will always be my little cherub, the center of my heart. She is too perfect and I cannot wait to spend my whole life with her and my soul mate crafting a better life of love, color, whimsy and true, internal happiness which I once thought unreal. I hope you are also feeling reminiscent and content at the end of this year seeing what resolutions you will make and what things you are most grateful for.

hairdye

Also for some random updates I finally got my hair done for the holidays as I had planned, scary change but I felt it was time for a big change to match the way my life has changed. I’ve also become really into American Horror Story on FX — I watched seasons 1 & 2 around Halloween and now I’m caught up with season 3. I had stopped watching horror entertainment for my whole previous marriage because my life felt so chaotic without it. Now that my life is secure and stable for the most part, filled with love and calmness, I have gotten back into horror for fun. What are you into this year? XX

ahs

I’ve Since Been Crowned by Flowers and Love

It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to update and felt free enough to explain a little of what has been going on in my life and all of the changes and struggles I have encountered. I felt very disappointed that my work and my blog fell to the wayside in the midst of this but my life was in dire need of most of my effort, the rest was given to love and support my little girl and my boyfriend (Mister Educated).

Although I can’t be too specific because it’s not appropriate and feels gross to put other’s private lives on a public blog, I can say the basics. My marriage fell apart in June. It had been falling apart for quite a while prior to that but it reached it’s breaking point in June. I’m not hurt about it anymore as I was when it happened, I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve had and most importantly for the beautiful little girl myself and my ex share. If you met her I have no doubt that you would instantly smile from ear to ear. She is the kind of special soul that leaves a positive imprint on everyone she meets and everywhere she goes. She’s always happy and saying something very clever for her age or something completely silly and comical. She reminds me so much of myself when I was little and enjoys playing with miniatures in her doll house with her Sylvania cream cats, love all animals, loves painting and loves to be outside. She can find fun in most situations and is a ball of cuteness and sweetness.

I also started talking to another very special person in mid-August. This is a person I had cherished having met and being a friend of mine. He taught me a lot of valuable skills and ways to see the world and I openly considered him a mentor. I met him in 2003 in college but remained friends with him after graduation via short occasional chats online about our families and work. We decided to hang out after we began talking again in August and the connection we had was still there but things had changed quite a lot. The connection was less of a friendship and inspiration connection and more of a romantic connection. The attraction was almost unbearable and we couldn’t get enough of just hanging out and talking or going to dinner and laughing, everything we did together was a very uplifting experience for both of us at the most painful time in my life. A month went by and things became gradually more serious until in late-September when I moved in because he offered that I needed a safe place to get my new life in order and get back on my feet. Since then we have became not just star-crossed lovers and soul mates united, but a family. We have a gaggle of smart and beautiful children that adore each other and hanging out with us and we are both happier than we have ever been before and so thankful we were united at last.

Our home is a big, old house. Over 100 years old to be exact and my Mister (as I lovingly call him because we will not be publicly open until after everything is resolved sometime next year) spent most of his past free time fixing and remodeling every room, nook and cranny until we got serious and I began helping as well. It feels like such a positive environment as soon as you walk in the door and you feel a lightness that is created from love, effort and a million memories left from a happy family. The floors, stairs and accents are lovely and original hardwood, there are 4-stories including a finished basement and loft studio and our sparkly mint and latte fireplace we just rehabbed and intricately tiled is the heart of the home. There is a large, fenced-in backyard with gardens of all kinds and a play set for the children. The front has gardens, stones and red hedges to welcome passersby. There are two balconies, one amazing one off our bedroom and another unfinished as well as a big front porch. It is a big change going from apartment life to a antique mansion but I’ve adjusted quite nicely and I adore living here. I haven’t felt I had a home since I was a child and I feel through and through that this is my home and my long lost beautiful family, my cute 15-year-old house cat Hobbes included.

I am happy now. I have found my higher power and I don’t take any medications for anxiety or depression anymore, I don’t ever drink even recreationally or socially and I work towards a more healthy self daily. I still have struggles such as doing extremely trying self work and moving on completely and I recently found I have pre-cancer which I have been getting treated but I never thought it was possible for me to have what I have. It has been an IMMENSE amount of work thus far and still is as I am still not where I want to be. I’m rebuilding myself online yet again and offline as well in my new community. I adore the opportunities that continue to pour in and I very much missed blogging and doing designs especially for you. I am home now and I am back. Thanks for hanging in there on this long and bumpy ride. You wont regret it!

Some exciting things coming in the future that were put on hold over a year ago: kid-friendly projects and activities, more reviews, interviews and features, his and hers articles, the world according to us articles, more tasty and easy recipes, positive energy projects, diy and craft projects, kawaii kitty care articles, art features, more products in our new shop (officially open again!), pretty photo shoots and daily life shoots. Stay tuned!