Getting Lost and Being Found

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I’ve cleaning and organizing our studio because that’s often what I end up doing in times when I’m stuck at home (such as the ridiculous amount of time we’ve been snowed in lately). Our house and all of her cupboards, closets and drawers have slowly been organized and sorted since I’ve moved in but never so much as lately. I can’t get enough of discarding the old, jaded and faded and replenishing with all things good and sometimes new. In this spare time I’ve also found extra moments to spend sorting through packages, boxes and files filled with photos, letters, nostalgia and clippings. Things I had forgotten about and things I had chocked up as gone — casualties in the divorce, move and hard reset of my life.

Wendy & I at Midland Antiques

Wendy & I at Midland Antiques

I’ve realized that in finding these fossils of my past life I’ve also found a part of myself that was neglected to the inner and outer war that has been going on since around age 15. Losing yourself teaches you a lot about the hardships and the long journey you have ahead of you to try to find yourself again. It teaches you about the you you always hoped and planned to be, the yous that you left behind and want to find, the yous that you’d prefer to grow apart from for the extent of your waking hours.

In realizing these things exist you find you have changed, your life has changed and quite possibly you have found the person you know you will be. I believe this happens to each of us a bit with every new year, we reflect. However, in my experience, unless a grand change is made resolutions will be forgotten and old habits will resurface.

I lost myself once and I am still looking for myself. Who I wanted to be as a young girl, the things I wanted to do and see, the life I wanted to live. I’d gotten so closed in, I magnified certain aspects of my goals and forgot about others. For instance, I wanted to get married and have a daughter but I forgot I had wanted the most grand love there ever was. I forgot that I didn’t want to just be content, that I wanted to experience pure love for a beautiful man, to experience a love like we hear about in fairytales only more real and passionate. Someone I didn’t want to change but someone whose love changed my life. I didn’t just want to have a child but I wanted to bring a child into a love-filled family of magical wonder, a magnificent home life and many adventures lined neatly with security and stability. With parents who love one another more than anything else, with siblings that give, teach, take and give some more.

by David Cunningham

by David Cunningham

I saw that I wanted to write. I found many old memoir notes and pages of manga dialogue, articles, fairytales and more. I lost the motivation in trying to do anything other than to fix things that were far too broken and then zoning out completely when they appeared impossibly broken.

I saw that my art was a major focus in my life, other than true love and family, and designing everything I do. I saw my plans for paintings, illustrations and web sketches; designs that never made it off the paper and into illustrator because I lost the ambition and self-esteem needed to go.

Now that I am finding myself in so many ways, I figured there were others that have lost important pieces along their journeys as well. Others that might need a little push to gather those pieces strewn along the ground and trudge on through their own adventure of finding their true, superior self. The self they are, were and wanted to be. What have you lost and found along the way?

Happy New Year.

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I’ve Since Been Crowned by Flowers and Love

It’s been awhile since I’ve been able to update and felt free enough to explain a little of what has been going on in my life and all of the changes and struggles I have encountered. I felt very disappointed that my work and my blog fell to the wayside in the midst of this but my life was in dire need of most of my effort, the rest was given to love and support my little girl and my boyfriend (Mister Educated).

Although I can’t be too specific because it’s not appropriate and feels gross to put other’s private lives on a public blog, I can say the basics. My marriage fell apart in June. It had been falling apart for quite a while prior to that but it reached it’s breaking point in June. I’m not hurt about it anymore as I was when it happened, I’m thankful for the experiences I’ve had and most importantly for the beautiful little girl myself and my ex share. If you met her I have no doubt that you would instantly smile from ear to ear. She is the kind of special soul that leaves a positive imprint on everyone she meets and everywhere she goes. She’s always happy and saying something very clever for her age or something completely silly and comical. She reminds me so much of myself when I was little and enjoys playing with miniatures in her doll house with her Sylvania cream cats, love all animals, loves painting and loves to be outside. She can find fun in most situations and is a ball of cuteness and sweetness.

I also started talking to another very special person in mid-August. This is a person I had cherished having met and being a friend of mine. He taught me a lot of valuable skills and ways to see the world and I openly considered him a mentor. I met him in 2003 in college but remained friends with him after graduation via short occasional chats online about our families and work. We decided to hang out after we began talking again in August and the connection we had was still there but things had changed quite a lot. The connection was less of a friendship and inspiration connection and more of a romantic connection. The attraction was almost unbearable and we couldn’t get enough of just hanging out and talking or going to dinner and laughing, everything we did together was a very uplifting experience for both of us at the most painful time in my life. A month went by and things became gradually more serious until in late-September when I moved in because he offered that I needed a safe place to get my new life in order and get back on my feet. Since then we have became not just star-crossed lovers and soul mates united, but a family. We have a gaggle of smart and beautiful children that adore each other and hanging out with us and we are both happier than we have ever been before and so thankful we were united at last.

Our home is a big, old house. Over 100 years old to be exact and my Mister (as I lovingly call him because we will not be publicly open until after everything is resolved sometime next year) spent most of his past free time fixing and remodeling every room, nook and cranny until we got serious and I began helping as well. It feels like such a positive environment as soon as you walk in the door and you feel a lightness that is created from love, effort and a million memories left from a happy family. The floors, stairs and accents are lovely and original hardwood, there are 4-stories including a finished basement and loft studio and our sparkly mint and latte fireplace we just rehabbed and intricately tiled is the heart of the home. There is a large, fenced-in backyard with gardens of all kinds and a play set for the children. The front has gardens, stones and red hedges to welcome passersby. There are two balconies, one amazing one off our bedroom and another unfinished as well as a big front porch. It is a big change going from apartment life to a antique mansion but I’ve adjusted quite nicely and I adore living here. I haven’t felt I had a home since I was a child and I feel through and through that this is my home and my long lost beautiful family, my cute 15-year-old house cat Hobbes included.

I am happy now. I have found my higher power and I don’t take any medications for anxiety or depression anymore, I don’t ever drink even recreationally or socially and I work towards a more healthy self daily. I still have struggles such as doing extremely trying self work and moving on completely and I recently found I have pre-cancer which I have been getting treated but I never thought it was possible for me to have what I have. It has been an IMMENSE amount of work thus far and still is as I am still not where I want to be. I’m rebuilding myself online yet again and offline as well in my new community. I adore the opportunities that continue to pour in and I very much missed blogging and doing designs especially for you. I am home now and I am back. Thanks for hanging in there on this long and bumpy ride. You wont regret it!

Some exciting things coming in the future that were put on hold over a year ago: kid-friendly projects and activities, more reviews, interviews and features, his and hers articles, the world according to us articles, more tasty and easy recipes, positive energy projects, diy and craft projects, kawaii kitty care articles, art features, more products in our new shop (officially open again!), pretty photo shoots and daily life shoots. Stay tuned!

I’m Having an Off Day

Today is definitely an off day.
You know how sometimes you wake up and feel a little uncomfortable?
I’m trying not to focus on it but I feel it creeping up behind me like an ugly monster while I’m working..
On off days I’m really uninspired and unmotivated. Yuck!

Bob Marley lullabies are blasting for Colette to nap to and they’re slowly lifting me up.
Taking time out to awaken your senses always helps relieve those ‘off’ feelings.
Listen to the sounds around you and slowly rub a scented lotion into your hands or take a slow drink of your tea.

Maybe it’s something in the air?
The air smells different.
The season is new.
Yet I still feel stuck in a sort of winter limbo.
I want to lay out, wear tights and take photographs in the sunshine.
Yet I only go out when I need to.

I’m battling with my art.
I’m struggling with blogging.
I don’t know if I should close Miseducated.
Or continue to push myself to blog when I dread it more everyday.
What’s the problem?
Why does it feel like such a chore?
Everything feels like a chore.

They’re changing my medication to something new.
I’m tired of trying to find the right combination.
I’m tired of being a shadow of my old self with medication.
Why should I be embarrassed when some of the most amazing people have the disorders that I do?
Chemistry of the mind.

I’ll probably never post this because, as my best friend knows, I get horrid anxiety when I post anything personal here.
That’s not what this blog is. Is it?

How do you curb your off days?

Everything is Changing

I’ve been working like crazy lately and unable to respond to many of your messages but I am getting them and I will catch up eventually. Everything’s changing from winter to spring now and it’s caused quite an overload of work. I understand wanting to start anew and get new collections out, whew so much to do and so little time to blog!

Speaking of collections I’m collaborating with one of my dearest friends, Chelsea of Paper*Cakes on a new project that will be out soon~

I miss the days when I could sit and produce several visual blog posts in no time. I feel like all of that drive has to be focused on Colette and work right now and I just cannot find that same inspiration for blogging. That explains all the rambling diary posts.

Did I tell you my schedule totally changed? We all have to get up before dawn now due to my husbands new job. I’m still trying to get motivated in the early morning but so far I’ve just been sketching, working and chugging lots of tea and vanilla coffee. I’ll get the hang of this!

Miseducated is also going through some changes.. I’ve been reorganizing and there’s much more to go so stay tuned.

Day With a Camera: Craft Day

Do you need an excuse to dig out your favorite crafts you’re working on and spend the day crafting and laughing with your best friend? No! So why aren’t you calling a friend now and planning some relaxation time with color? You never know what ideas might come out of a craft day either.. maybe you’ll find your passion.

Again I urge you to take along your camera always! I used to get looked at funny for this but now everyone I know does the same. When you are creating such beautiful memories it’s often fun to take photos of them for future albums — I love looking at photos, don’t you?

craft day

jamie's afgan
This is a beautiful afghan crocheted by Jamie.

Inside her Stomach is Her Heart

Occassionally I’ll get personal and I’ll let you peek into the nonsensical world I call my own. I adore reading your stories and connecting with you, so I feel the best thanks is to be honest and sharing as well.

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Me? Pregnant? Surely not.. I’d always been told it would be tough for me to conceive if not impossible. I had stopped taking my birth control for about a year now and I had to admit I felt a little strange.

Many friends in the past had told me, “You just know.” .. and I had found that very hard to believe, but here I was feeling the same way they described. Something was different. I began to feel constantly nauseated and went to the dr assuming I had caught some sort of flu. They wanted to do a pregnancy test and as they excitedly sprinted back into the room I knew what the result was.

“.. So are you trying to have a baby? It’s positive!”

My husband looked at the ceiling in absolute shock, tears of happiness along with smiles and a lot of “are you serious??” We had always wanted to someday.. but just weren’t sure if it would happen so we didn’t put a lot of pressure on it. I had hardly considered a baby and here I was expecting. We left with some shots and tests ecstatic beyond our wildest imaginations. .. So we have a new family member?

I’ve tried not to get too attached to the idea and waited to tell everyone because deep down inside I worry that something will be wrong but there it is, nestled in my abdomen safe and sound. It’s too good to be true. I’m so excited to meet them, care for them and show them the world. It’s been my absolute dream to weave a childhood of happiness and sweet memories with my husband.

I’m 17 weeks pregnant now and in three weeks we’ll find out if the baby is a girl or a boy — we’re excited for either, of course! I’m pretty feminine so a girl would easily become the center of my world, but with the unsurpassable love I experienced when my nephew was born and as he has grown, I know I’ll be absolutely pleased with a healthy boy or girl.

Oh, Miseducated, how I miss you and our talks — I’ve developed a new schedule so that I’ll have more time for my very favorite project, you. In the future you’ll meet my newest work of art, the baby of my dreams.