Lana Del Rey Plays my Heart Like a Harp

I didn’t intend to fall for Lana Del Rey as my close friend encouraged me to for quite some time. She claimed her style reminded her of me and her lyrics of myself and my love (aka Mister). After finally giving in and accepting the cd to listen to I fell for her instantly. She lives the 50s/60s pop culture and feminine woman’s role beautifully but also incorporates Lolita and a delores-haze of similar undertones such as appreciating the interests, looks and feelings of a creative young girl. She coined herself a ‘self-styled gangsta Nancy Sinatra’ and, my favorite, ‘Lolita lost in the hood’.

Having learned about her music, received her personal videos and researched her brand I feel as though she is special, a very amazing new artist and her music is absolutely jaw-droppingly filled with love, lust and vintage style which both soothes me and eats me alive in my own current situation of a happily ever after love addiction.

“It sounds like one of those insanely rare moments wherein someone from the music industry says “Lolita” and actually seems to mean Lolita, as in the novel, and not some kind of porn-derived mincing, but as in the character Dolores Haze: lover of late-40s movie magazines (there’s that miasma of “old-Hollywood glamour” Del Rey’s inspired by), lover of chewing gum (Stereogum on Del Rey’s “secret” show in NYC: “she chewed a lot of gum”). The Dolores Haze who hails from nearly the same patch of the country as Del Rey; whose profession is once listed as “starlet.” Who winds up tough and blithe, casually schooled in all the ways people manipulate and control one another, living in a dump with a big, hard-of-hearing working man who, if video games had existed in 1952, would likely have wasted a few nights on them.” ~ Why We Fight

Flirting: Are You Talking to Me?

It can happen just about anywhere – you’re standing in line at the bank, or at the grocery store, and then you feel someone brush up against you accidentally. You turn and find it’s a very attractive person. Then you start to think… maybe it wasn’t an accident! But how can you know for certain? You have to test the situation out, so you look at them again, for two reasons: one, to check them out a second time, and two, to see if there are any signs that the brush was on purpose. After all, it might have been a legitimate accident, and you don’t want to make a fool of yourself by assuming they’re into you when they may not have the slightest interest at all. So before you do anything, stop and think about what’s at stake, and ask yourself if this is just another mundane everyday event, or if this is the moment when everything changes in your life.

Take our quiz and see what you know about flirting: Answer True or False, then add up and click here for answers)

1. When someone goes out of their way to talk to me they are flirting

2. When someone makes prolonged eye contact (more than three seconds) they want my attention

3. When a woman is flirting it’s obvious

4. When a man is overtly flirting he generally has one thing on his mind

5. There’s a difference between being flirtatious and flirting

6. There are right ways and wrong ways to flirt

7. Saying inappropriate things in the name of flirting is acceptable

8. Flirting when you’re in a committed relationship is fine as long as you don’t act on it

And now, some tips to help you flirt effectively and without embarrassment:

First of all, focus on yourself, not the other person. Ask yourself, what are you hoping to accomplish by flirting? What is it that you want from this situation? A fun conversation? Casual sex? A relationship? The answer to this question will tell you what signs to look for. If you want a relationship, for instance, you’ll be looking for things like an bare ring finger, a shopping cart devoid of baby formula, and no spouse or kids hanging around. Don’t make a move if anything indicates the person isn’t available.

Step two, once you’ve decided the coast is most likely clear, you need to determine your own safety. No, this part is not particularly fun or spontaneous, but what’s REALLY not fun is being reckless and ending up in a situation where your personal safety is threatened. So check in with your intuition and make sure your body is not giving you any cues that it’s time to get out of the situation. You should be feeling completely comfortable and safe before you do anything at all. If not, don’t risk it or adopt a wait-and-see attitude – just get out of there.

Thirdly, let the fun begin! Believe it or not, most people are way too anxious when it comes to flirting, because really we’re all born with the ability. You may not buy that if you think you’re particularly awkward, but most awkwardness comes only when we become conscious of things that were unconscious. Many times we give off signals without even noticing we’re doing it! Checking to see who brushed up against you, and then checking a second time just to be sure – this is all part of the flirting process! If you can find something authentic to say in the moment, even better. Keep it simple and have fun above all else. The more you can relax and enjoy yourself, the more your flirting will be a sincere reflection of who you really are, which of course is exactly how you want to present yourself.

Remember that even though meeting people on the internet is all the rage, there’s nothing like connecting with a person in real life. So don’t be shy, practice connecting with people wherever and whenever, and load your tool belt up with these three things: your intention, your safety, and your natural ability to flirt!

How Can You Express Love?

There are thousands of ways you can express yourself, thousands of things you can do that could come across to someone as loving. However, it’s where these actions come from that’s of utmost importance if you want to be genuine.

You might think that you’re expressing love by not arguing back when your partner says something you strongly disagree with, but if you’re only doing it so you can have credit for controlling your tongue, or if you’re just hoping the payoff for verbally agreeing will be sex, what good is that in the long run? Very little!

If you want to express love from a place of authenticity, start with these tips:

Make the effort to get to know your partner. You’d be surprised how much two people can not know about each other, even after years of being together. This is especially true when you consider that what people like changes from moment to moment. What does your partner enjoy, what do they not enjoy? What are their pet peeves? What do they think about various topics? Knowing these things may not change your actions per se, but investing your interest in your partner will greatly increase the health of the relationship.

Listen to what your partner is telling you. Of course there’s the literal aspect to this – the things they actually say – but there are the more subtle clues and hints that you can learn to pick up on. If they keep saying the same sorts of things over and over, learn to read between the lines. “Wow, isn’t it great to have a moment of quiet” could be a sign that it’s time to start scheduling in times when you both agree to turn off phones, computers, and the TV.

Include your partner’s happiness in your assessment of your own happiness. Make a habit of inquiring whether things are going well for them; learn what they’re struggling with, what would make their lives better, what they’re happy with right now, what they’re lacking, as so forth. Incorporate these things into your daily self-inquiry practice.

Act in whatever way you can to make your partner’s day better. Even little things can make a big impact, so don’t underestimate your ability to transform your partner’s daily life. For example, I love sleeping in and my husband knows that, so in order to let me have five extra minutes of sleep, he makes my tea just the way I like it every morning, even when we’re traveling. I happen to know that he craves time alone, so whenever something needs to be done and I can handle it on my own, I send him off for half an hour to go meditate, and I sort things out myself. It’s the little things.

Consider the new things that will pop up that you don’t know about each other yet. Find ways to discover these things. My husband and I love taking spontaneous drives in various directions – we never end up in the same place twice, and it’s always an adventure. When we get home, we talk about the experience and how we each perceived it. We’re constantly learning new things about each other in this way.

And these are just a few suggestions you can start with; add your own ideas and start seeing how much joy it brings you to bring joy to your partner! It’s this authenticity of expression that makes all the difference.

If you actually care, then act like it!
Great relationships begin within!

Ask Miseducated: Valentine’s Day Gifting

Have a question you’re just dying to know the answer to? Want to discuss something extensively in email with us? Please send us an email and we’ll forward it to the appropriate Miseducated writer.

Reader

Last year my wife flipped out when I bought her lingerie for Valentine’s Day. The truth is, I still don’t know why. She just got angry and said “Isn’t it obvious?” and that was it. Any advice on what I get her this year that won’t set her off (and that we both can enjoy), which is what I thought the point of Valentine’s Day was?

Maryanne

Hi Rob, thanks for your question. And it’s a great question, too, because I know a lot of guys would have blown it off and just guessed again this year, and as you’ve probably figured out, that’s not a great solution if your track record with guessing is less than stellar. Unless of course you just enjoy sexual frustration.

So, in terms of a gift… it’s less about “buying the right thing” and more about getting some clarity on what she expects from Valentine’s Day in terms of general atmosphere and activities, and also what you expect. Because it’s likely that her reaction last year was not so much about the gift in particular, but rather was a symptom of something else going on. Now that she’s had a year to feel resentful about whatever it was, it is more important than ever to get clear on what each of your expectations are.

But how does one begin such a difficult conversation? Starting a simple and loving way, telling her that you realise last year was a little rough, and you were hoping to talk about what you could both do together to make this year really special. One of two things will happen: either she’ll give you a straightforward answer and open up a conversation strictly about possibilities for Valentine’s activities this year, or you might get a chance to listen to the real reasons behind why she was upset last year. This is a great foundation from which to talk about what Valentine’s Day means to both of you.

It’s important, however, to make sure the conversation stays on course. You don’t want to start playing the blame game or devolve into finger-pointing; here are some tips to help you engage in an effective, constructive, and mature conversation.

Start by agreeing on what you’re talking about: “I would like to talk about how we can make Valentine’s Day special.”

Don’t ruin things with bad timing: When you say, “I want to talk,” most women will want to talk right now. Keeping that in mind, it’s probably not a great idea to approach the subject when she’s agitated about something, in a hurry, or in the middle of doing something else.

Set up ground rules: Maybe you could agree to each have 3 to 5 minutes to speak uninterrupted, about whatever you would like (this Valentine’s Day, last Valentine’s Day, or whatever you want). Make sure you are careful to focus on your feelings rather than your perceptions of what the other person did wrong. For example, “I felt confused when you got angry” is much more constructive phrasing than “you always get angry for no reason.”

Recap what you heard: It’s important to take turns and repeat what the other person said, so that you are each sure your message is getting through.

Talk honestly about the ideal situation: Take another 3 to 5 minutes each describing what an ideal Valentine’s Day would be like if you could have everything exactly how you wanted it.

Negotiate for each other: It might go like this: she might say, “how about we go see a movie, then we’ll come home and I’ll make you dinner, and maybe I’ll give you a massage?” Then he might say, “why don’t I take you out to dinner before the movie, then afterward we can come home and give each other massages?”

Connecting with and listening to each other is a delicate art. Each of us is subject to changing moods and changing desires, and often we expect the other person to read our mind. When you hear what each other is saying, often you find you’re looking for the same thing: to spend time together and be happy around one another. There may be some compromise involved, but remember that the true meaning of Valentine’s Day is that love is kind, responsible, and above all, respectful.

Sex and the Nature of the Beast


World Sex Report 1971

Some people just can’t help it – sex, no matter how casual, means something to them, and they feel some attachment. Others seem to be able to do it, put their clothes back on, and walk away without so much as a second thought. Often, those who tend toward a large variety of sexual partners use the excuse that it’s not natural for humans to practice monogamy, and that because we are, at our base, animals, it’s perfectly acceptable to behave like animals.

What’s interesting is that what goes on in the brain of any human does not vary according to how they feel about monogamy and sex. Either way, the process begins in the brain stem, which is responsible for our lowest nature, but it then continues on up through the mammalian brain, where it encounters a bridge between thoughts and actions, and finally it ends up in the neocortex, which is where the thoughts get processed into decisions, according to desires, beliefs, or influence from our conscience.

So that means that as much as some people try to tell themselves that their behavior is not their fault, that’s complete nonsense. The thing that separates humans from animals is this more complex cognitive process, which gives us the ability to override our base nature any time we choose to. If this weren’t the case, you wouldn’t be reading this right now at all – you’d be grunting and trying to decide whether the computer is something you could eat or something you could hump.

Nonetheless, a staggering amount of us try to pull the “it’s the nature of the beast” card when excusing the hurtful and careless behavior of others or ourselves. How many times have you heard women (or even the men themselves) justify promiscuity by saying, only half-joking, “it’s not his fault, his penis has a mind of its own”? This sort of cop-out has nothing to do with a penis (or indeed a vagina) actually leading anyone around, but rather it is the way our egos rationalize the things we probably shouldn’t be proud of. All our egos want is more and more pleasure more and more of the time, and the easiest way to get around the hurt this can cause others is to blame nature instead of taking responsibility.

If you’re skeptical that we actually have the power to choose a higher nature rather than just reacting to a lower one, think about the way we eat versus the way a “natural” human would eat. When was the last time you saw a guy in a suit chasing squirrels in the park, catching one and biting off the head for lunch? Not too recently? Because we have accepted that we can choose the higher path of buying food at the grocery store, no one feels like they “must” give in to the natural tendency to hunt.

The same goes with many aspects of our sexual practice. Most of us understand that we cannot just mount people randomly in the street whenever we feel like it – we must gain consent, find a suitable place, and so forth. So clearly we can accept the higher consciousness option when we feel like it, and yet when it comes to some abhorrent behavior we want to justify, we try to get out of the guilt by saying we can’t help it, it’s just who we are.

So maybe it’s time that we all look inward and inquire about the true meaning of claiming that something is in our nature, because when we don’t examine that concept and simply act as if it were fact, the results can be truly devastating. It is an insult to our intelligence to cop out and say that we couldn’t be expected to behave any better, but choosing to change that attitude is a fantastic way to create greater understanding and respect between people. At the very least, you can enjoy the freedom that comes with being completely honest about your thoughts on sex and monogamy!

The Only Reason to get Married is…

‘Tis the season to… get hitched? Well, maybe weddings themselves are more popular in June, but according to a survey sponsored by the Fairchild Bridal Group (the people who publish Modern Bride) marriage proposals in November and December represent more than a quarter of all proposals for the entire year. And this is the reason most people get married – not because they’ve thought about why they want to get married, but simply because someone asked them! This brings me to the subject of this week’s blog: a young man I met recently named Antonio. He’s 24, and he used to play soccer in his native Spain but had to give it up after a foot injury ended his career. He made the best of his situation and turned to music and songwriting as a new career path. I encountered him because he provides music equipment for bands, and also karaoke machines for people like me who like to have noisy Xmas parties. As we chatted, he mentioned that he loves his job, he loves his band, and he has an ex-girlfriend he’s thinking about marrying. As you can imagine, I made a face at that, and asked him for clarification.

I mean, why would he want to marry someone who is his EX-girlfriend? Presumably the EX part is for a reason! He suddenly got very quiet and shrugged and said, “I guess I just… I don’t know… you know, she really wants to get married.” What? No no no. NO! I cannot have any response to that other than NO.

I asked Antonio if he would be interested in the kind of advice that would change his life and his way of thinking. I explained a little about who I am and what I do, and before he could really respond either way, I jumped right in to tell him my thoughts on the matter. After all, when again would I get an opportunity to mold his young spirit and get him onto the right path? I knew this was a critical moment and I would only have one chance to get it right.

“Here’s the thing, Antonio,” I said. “The only reason you should ever even CONSIDER, even for a brief moment, the sacrament of marriage, is because when you wake up in the morning, this beautiful, amazing person is the first thought in your head, and that thought makes you glow from the inside all day long, and you cannot stop thinking about how lucky you are that you get to spend your free time with this person, and that you get to be the recipient of their love and respect, and vice-versa. There should be no doubt in your mind that this is how you feel, before you even let the word ‘marriage’ come anywhere near the conversation.”

He stared at me as if he’d just been smacked in the face with a book and was wondering which direction it came from, and thought I knew I came on strong, I did it intentionally, hoping to get through to his young brain. He could have responded in a dismissive or irritated way, but he didn’t – he simply stared at me for a few seconds, and then slowly said, “thanks for that.” Did I get through to him? Well, of course I have no way of knowing for sure, but lets just say that this very professional and very competent young man left without collecting the very item he came to pick up.

And that made my day! It always thrills me when I can get through to people by using my larger-than-life passion for helping people find real love!

Learn to See People for Who They Really Are

on melrose

I’d like to travel, for a moment, back to the time when I was five years old. I remember my mother shushing me for trying to talk to a stranger. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. She said that “we don’t talk to strangers,” and that “it’s rude to ask people personal questions!” This made no sense to me at all – if you never talk to strangers, how are you supposed to make any friends or get to know anyone? Obviously I wanted to avoid a spanking, so I did as I was told, but even the threat of corporal punishment couldn’t quell that insatiable desire inside me to talk to people and get to know them. Now, of course, it’s part of my work as a relationship expert, but what I’d like to do today is pass on to you the skill of really getting to know people, including yourself.

Going back to my childhood for a moment, I used to make mud pies quite frequently. I’d put them on my neighbors’ doorsteps and wait to see how they reacted. In my head, this was a way of testing the waters to see who was friendly and who wasn’t. If someone accepted the pie and the humor that came along with it, then for me they were safe, friendly, and open. If they didn’t see the humor, then I would use that as a sign to steer clear. I didn’t cry about it or beg them to like the pie or call them or stalk them or promise to change the pie into something they’d like better… I just moved on to another doorstep and tried not to take it personally. My pies weren’t to everyone’s taste, and that was fine. No big deal.

So I’m asking you now to make the leap forward with me and apply this to your own life. How many of us currently play a much more neurotic version of the mud pie game, giving too many pies to people who don’t want them, and causing unnecessary suffering by not listening to our intuition when it tells us the response to the pie isn’t a positive one?

Learning to see people for who they really are – and who they aren’t – is not just a matter of learning a few clever tricks that will give you insight into the opposite sex, and that’s not what I’m trying to do here. Instead, I want to give you the power tool of all power tools for your relationship tool belt – the knowledge of how to inner-view for success!

The difficult part about “learning to see people for who they really are” isn’t the people out there – it’s learning who YOU really are and what you really want. If you look at great relationships and think that could never happen to you, I want you to know that you are wrong! Great relationships ARE possible for you! You just have to put in some initial legwork getting to know yourself, and setting up a plan that will not only help you succeed in finding someone compatible for you, but that will also greatly increase your chances at having a great relationship.

Remember that getting older does not necessarily mean getting wiser. Many of us make the same mistakes over and over again. But the basics of a great relationship are easy to learn, no matter how many times you’ve gotten it wrong. When we want to explore a spark we feel for someone, we offer up the adult version of a mud pie: a friendly introduction, a smile, or a flirty glance. Then it’s the intuition’s turn to measure the response we get from that, and decide either to back away, or take another step forward into a conversation. After that next step, then the intuition does its magic again, and again it’s up to us to read the signs and choose which way to go. My goal for you is this: once you have a comfortable knowledge of who you are and what you want, then you can learn to take your passion for connecting with someone, and use it wisely, to make sure your time and energy are spent on the positive road to your next great relationship!

Awakening the Divine Intuition

When you first meet someone, your body goes through an entire system of processing input, long before you’re even cognitively aware of what you think about the other person. This process is a collaboration between your senses and your intuition, and it helps you “know” the most important things you need to know about a person within the first few seconds of an encounter. You’ve certainly experienced this before: someone introduces themselves, and immediately you feel your body either opening up to them, or closing itself off. This is due to your body interpreting all kinds of different input and making conclusions that tell you what kind of situation you’re dealing with. It takes into account things like the person’s walk, talk, smell, or eye movements, and decides whether the person is aggressive, shy, nervous, confident, and so forth. Theoretically, if you follow what your intuition tells you and don’t let the process go any further, you can know within a minute if you are in a safe situation or a dangerous one, and to what extent you can relax around this person, both physically and emotionally.

that book

However, what happens after the initial data filter in your “belly brain” or intuition is that the information then goes to the next stage of filtration, in the brain. This is where a less accurate assessment goes on, where your habitual behavioral recognition skills kick in. It’s kind of like you have a database in your mind of all your past experiences and familiar patterns, and when you get in a new situation, your brain tries to make sense of what’s going on by comparing this situation to things it has seen, heard, or experienced in the past. It then tries to categorize this new person in a way that it can recognize and understand.

This is where the problem is. We have a lot of built-up defense mechanisms in place based on beliefs we have and stories we tell ourselves. We have learned and inherited a lot of prejudices that we use to apply to new people, regardless of what our intuition tells us. For example, perhaps when we meet a woman with fake breasts and a fake tan, we automatically assume she is shallow or insecure. Or maybe when we meet a guy with crooked teeth and a southern accent, we assume he is uneducated. When we let this second phase of filtering override our intuition, this sets us up for problems down the road.

Think of it this way: remember when you had that awful breakup, and then when you looked back on the relationship, you realized you knew it was going downhill long before it actually did? Knowing in your belly that things aren’t right is your intuition at work; deciding to ignore the bad gut feeling and continue as if everything is okay is your brain overriding your intuition. It’s strange that we have taught ourselves to do this, because it doesn’t benefit us in any way. Your body never lies, but your brain will tell you whatever it wants you to hear, whatever will protect it from pain in the short term. The brain is a wonderful servant, but it’s the intuition that is the better master. Your “belly brain” is a much more accurate connection with the truth, and the second-hand information from your brain, while useful in many respects, should never be taken as your sole source of facts.

So if the intuition has precision accuracy to lead us out of danger and into happiness, and the brain is flaky at best in this regard, then why do we do we so often override our intuition in favor of the brain? This is exactly what the divine feminine in each of us is crying out about, and it’s why it’s so important, especially in our complex culture, to reawaken her and let her do the job she does best. So much has been written about our systematic blocking of our intuition, but suffice it to say that until we learn how to reconnect and relearn to inner-view, we will continue to put ourselves in dangerous situations.

Sit down and make a chart of body versus brain, and find out which has led you astray more often.

Build a Great Relationship: Start from Within

Dating can be scary. If you’ve just come off a divorce or a serious breakup, you may be wondering if it’s all worth it, or if you’ll just end up in the same place again. If your’e a single parent, you may be hesitant to start bringing someone new into your family’s life. If you’re newly on the scene after not having dated for many years, the thought of online dating can seem intimidating. For whatever reason, if you’re not sure how to approach the whole dating game, try these tips.

Put your most important foot forward. If you start out with “sexy” then that’s what people will value most about you.

Dating is not a sales pitch. Who you are is a sacred gift, it’s not a product.

Know that the single people around you are not your rivals. Smile, we’re all in this together! There’s enough love to go around, you don’t have to fight other people for it.

When you feel that spark of chemistry, ask yourself some questions. Is this excitement, or fear (they feel similar, but not the same)? Do you find yourself questioning your values and action and feeling insecure, or does this person really bring out the wonderful things in you, leaving you feeling invigorated and glowing?

Gently press the brakes. It’s okay to slow down, and it can keep you from making a desperate move that could end in disaster. If this person is really the right one for you, then they’ll be patient and let things happen in due course. There are 1.45 million potential partners out there for you – you don’t have do drastic things with this one right this second in a desperate bid to hang onto them. Just take a step back and think things through before making any big decisions.

Learn about this person and what they have to offer. The last thing you need is to get into a situation where its give-give-give on your end and take-take-take on theirs. You want someone who balances you, where the give and take are equal.

Don’t try to find people who would be attracted to the person you think you should be – go for the ones who like you for who you actually are! I used to put so much effort into making myself less high-maintenance because I thought people wouldn’t be attracted to my big nature. Turns out, my husband loves my big nature exactly the way it is!

Resist the urge to drop your drawers until you’re sure this person shares your relationship goals, and that they feel the same way about you! The day after you have sex is not the time to find out they just want a casual fling, if you’re looking for marriage.

Prepare yourself for your new relationship with a daily clearing ritual. Let go of old items or photos that only bring back painful memories, or you can do what I did and have a wedding ceremony with yourself so that you make the most important commitment of all!

Stick to your guns when it comes to deal-breakers. Perhaps you won’t tolerate a drug-user. Or maybe you can’t stand to be with someone who’s into porn. We all have areas where we draw the line – make a list of yours so that you aren’t tempted to bend those lines. You can learn more about deal-breakers by getting a copy of Hindsight, What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers.

Never compromise your safety or integrity – trust your true instincts, and don’t set yourself up to fail!

But if you want the best piece of advice ever… it might take you a long time to get in etched in your mind, and to put it into practice, but here it is: Great relationships begin within! ®

Who is to blame? One Iranian Claims Immodest Women.

In a public speech on Friday in Tehran, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi told the faithful that modesty would be the only thing that would save them.

“Many women who do not dress modestly lead young men astray and spread adultery in society which increases earthquakes,” he added.

Seriously? A statement like that might almost be comical if it weren’t so sad. When I read things like this, all of a sudden it’s no surprise where the archetype of woman-as-victim-or-prostitute comes from. I wonder what else this man would blame on women and their promiscuous ways. Tsunamis? Terrorism? The hole in the ozone layer? Women should be more careful about what they wear, or else the world might collapse in on itself with all our sexual power. It’s hard to imagine why men feel so threatened that they adopt this dangerous and nonsensical line of thinking. I wonder what will be required to snap humanity out of this nightmare of diseased thought.

modesty

If I had the ability to see the future, I would make this man look at the inevitable point his path leads to. The world is now run by women, many of them descendants of Iranian women who, coincidentally, felt the need to create genetic engineering facilities to alter the male anatomy. Nowadays, men aren’t born with penises – penises are only given to those men who show through consistent effort that their actions are worthy of respect, and who can convince a sacred council that they are honorable enough.

If I were an analyst, I might see this as a textbook case of childhood trauma left untreated, and of delusion left unchecked. I would probably note that this man was showing all the classic signs of projection brought on by fear and a feeling of helplessness, thus creating the fantasy in his head that women have some sort of magical evil powers. I’d probably recommend that he take a nice long break in the state hospital while professionals helped get him back on the right track.

If I were enlightened, I would see this as an opportunity to take an extremely weak and sick soul, and help him down the road to spiritual repair. I would recognize immediately that this man had lost his hold on reality, and lost his tether to the Divine. Such a seriously damaged soul would probably need a jump start, which could be implemented by way of a two-by-four to the forehead, as was the tradition of a particular ancient monk.

If I were Mother Nature, I would make it clear to this man how unacceptable I find his false accusations and unjust shame against my beautiful creatures. My point would come across in the form of a shit storm so intense and powerful, he would have no chance against the tidal waves, hurricane winds, and endless bolts of lightning. After I felt I had stated my case adequately, a torrential rain would come down on him, washing him clean of all this nonsense and leaving him free of his delusions.

If I were a man, it would make me sad and angry to see another man behaving like this. My shame at his words would make me want to think of ways that he could be taught not to humiliate and degrade my sisters, mothers, daughters, and indeed all women everywhere. Maybe binding his feet would be a good way to start, or maybe a chastity belt would be an even better idea, so he could feel the oppression right where it hurts a man most.

If I were an Iranian woman, I’d steer clear of the men in Tehran and be a celibate lesbian instead!